Chemical Pregnancy(early miscarriage)

How do you explain something you don't understand yourself? How do you do you come to grips with something you've lost in a split second? How do you cope with pain, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual and come out the other side thankful for the thing that tore you in two? How do you get over the shock of being pregnant one minute and losing the one thing you've prayed for most in the world the next? How do you make people understand that it's OK to grieve, to be sad, angry and upset with God? How am I back here again, to the physical pain I prayed I'd never feel again and to another angel lost to heaven? How did I get here? Why does this hurt so much? Why is it so much easier putting on a face and pretending like nothing happened? If I move on maybe I won't have to feel this pain anymore. 
    
      I've been here before, I know the pain, depression, weight gain, sleepless nights, whys, misunderstandings. I know how to pretend everything is OK, I've mastered the mask. It took me years to cope with this reality last time I went through this, It literally tore me apart and turned me into someone I didn't recognize, the grief was almost unbearable, what do I do and how do I cope with this again? How am I back here again, I just don't understand. No one else understands, it's not every day conversation and it's difficult that there's no friends I can talk too who've experienced this recently. I wanted this baby more then anything else in the world, I wanted to be his or her mother, I wanted it to grow in my tummy and feel it move. I wanted to be it's mommy more then I can explain. 
     
     I feel like I'm walking the valley of the shadow of death, walking into the ocean, at the edge of a cliff and I am helpless, I couldn't save my baby, I couldn't do anything but be helpless and feel hopeless and useless. I just had to go through it, the pain, the blood, and watch yet again as I lost what was left of my baby. I don't want anyone to feel this, experience this type of physical and mental pain.  I need to feel Jesus more then anything right now, I need peace that passes understanding, because this is something I will truly never understand, losing a child is something that should have never existed. I had a Chemical Pregnancy between Christmas day and the evening of the twenty-sixth. I haven't really told anyone, I didn't want to damper the Christmas and new year mood, I didn't want to make things weird, strange or tense between my family and I .I'm still in shock and it's all still fresh. I will forever have that positive pregnancy test in my mind, I will forever remember my Newest angel who I got to celebrate on Christmas Eve with joy. I will forever remember trembling with joy, and crying tears of shock. I will hold unto the happiness of that moment,the moment that brought HOPE back to me for the first time in 365 days, the hope that says I CAN GET PREGNANT.

     I feel broken again, I'm back to losing a child and I'm hurting, I could use compassion and prayers more then anything in the world. For those who are wondering what a "chemical pregnancy" Is, it's a really early miscarriage where the baby dies shortly after implantation and you go on to have a normal cycle. I will spare you the rest of the tmi details, it hasn't been this painful since my first miscarriage five years ago.. I don't know why I'm yet again walking this road of pain, and whys and heartbreak, I honestly don't understand why I'm going through this, I know God makes beauty from pain, but in the thick of this let me be honest, there is nothing "good" about any of this, the pain, both physical and mental, the millions of questions I don't have answers too, the general pain of losing a Child, on Christmas of all days, It's truly a horrible nightmare. Please pray for me, I need to feel God's love and peace more then anything right now.