Major Depressive Disorder, Severe social anxiety disorder. What it's like to live with mental illness.
Lets talk about depression. It's such a taboo subject (sadly) especially within the Christian community. People have a wide range of what they think depression is, or does, or doesn't do, they judge you for who you are, how you act, or that you tend to "overreact" on simple everyday things. Most everyone has an opinion, and supposedly it's their right as a human to do so. In all cases I have dealt with, the person judging, or "fixing" has never experienced actual depression diagnosed by a Doctor or Psychologist. I find it beyond frustrating when people say, I struggle with anxiety, speaking in crowds, I don't like being around people, It's the "same" thing as you. I just want to scream at them, I agree most people in the world have experienced a form or depression and anxiety, but that's One hundred percent NOT the same as having been diagnosed with real, actual disorders that effect how you live your life, what you do, who you hang around with, what you avoid so something doesn't trigger you into a panic attack and things you literately can't do because you know it will cause to much of a panic within your system that you can't function and your body shuts down.
This is what I struggle with, my mind is sick and I have a hard time thinking normally, processing, thinking. Everywhere I go, including visiting with Family, my mind is racing a million miles an hour, wondering what people are thinking about me, what their not saying, what I said to offend, what I didn't say that I should have. Then there's the other side of it, the moment someone says something hurtful or purposefully disagreeing with me, or tensions are happening around me or there's a disagreement my body starts to panic and my heart starts to race and I have to escape to another room before a panic attack starts. My heart is racing just typing this. That is what happens when you have anxiety, one you have a trigger, you can't go back to the same location with out triggers happening again and you can't go back without knowing you have over a 50% chance of another panic attack. It's absolutely terrifying and debilitating.
I've gone through my life judged for who I am, the fact that I'm dyslexic and can't read a clock on a wall, or can't do a math problem to this day without help, I still have to ask my husband daily how to spell a simple word. I've always been "different" then everyone around me, I'm an extremely deep and feeling person, I feel pain of others, cry over what some people call "stupid things" My emotions are a lot of times out of control, I can go into a meltdown of full panic, tears or anger in a split second on any given day and it's not always because I'm angry. It's seriously insane what depression does to your mind. It's something I deal with on a daily basis, something I've been judged for, for many years. To this day it still drives people crazy that I'm so emotional, I just feel so much. I hate when people throw it in my face that it's because I don't "trust" God, I don't pray enough, It's spiritual warfare that I can get to stop if I just "command" it. Those are just a few of the things I've heard, all within the christian community. It makes me Sick.
There is a definite difference with a little anxiety and Depressive and Anxiety disorders. Don't you dare Preach at me with your answers that you know nothing about, don't sit back and talk to me about my faith in God when you have no idea what I've walked through, you don't live my life, not one day of it. Depression and anxiety disorders Need to be taken SERIOUSLY especially in the christian community. Pastors should be recommending Counselors, and they shouldn't "have" to be in a church or be a christian. I've seen both a Psychologist(s) and a Christian counselor and I can tell you my experience with my non-christian Psychologist has been far more welcoming, loving, and non-judgmental environment then the christian one was on the fist day it started. We shouldn't have to be scared in our churches, or around other Christians that they are standing there judging us, when they tell you "it's just anxiety, we all have that" I can't even tell you how wrong they are, it proves the entire point, that they haven't heard or care about anything you are saying.
I already know I'm a lot to handle, I live in my body, I deal with my emotions, I have to live with me. It's not anything I would ever with upon anyone, struggling so severely with this over the last five years has made me a different person. I' don't remember what it's like to feel happiness, much less to be" happy. I don't remember the joy of just being alive, a lot of my feeling to being happy has been cut off. All I know is deep sadness and heartbreak, all I know is wondering if it would just be easier if I wasn't here. I wake up with no energy, I don't do much cleaning, I lay and watch tv, I have a hard time cleaning and doing chores, I'm not eating much. I started making the bed yesterday for the first time in a month. I feel like a burden to everyone I know, especially my husband and my family. I don't love myself, I don't think I ever have. I can't stand who I am and every time I cry, I inwardly yell at myself to stop. THAT IS SO MESSED UP. (I would never say that to my child, so I should do it to myself?)
Depression steals everything from you, including your hope, my relationship with God has been hanging on by a thread, I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take, this infertility has drained the life and happiness out of me and I'm forever changed because of it. I don't know how to keep going some days, how to just live life or be the wife Chris needs. Please don't mistake me saying I will take my life THAT IS SOMETHING I'LL NEVER DO. I just feel helpless and completely stuck where I am. My weight has gone up and down with my depression the last five years, It's absolutely angering to me, It's not for lack of trying to be healthy, and change my lifestyle, cutting things out, and not stocking things in my house because they are so tempting. It's not for lack of trying different things, eating less fat or carbs, it's not for lack of workouts, or putting in hard work. This has been a FIVE year battle, and it's mostly stayed because of my depression, your body holds unto fat when your stressed or your body is going through something and it knows to hold it.
Depression and Anxiety suck so much, I don't wish it upon anyone. Seeing a Psychologist the last month has been more helpful then anything I've tried in years, talking and pouring my heart out to someone who listens and validates what I've been and what I'm going through has truly meant everything to me. Not having someone trying to "fix" everything and working at my pace, for what I need, learning to take care of me and learning that it's NOT selfish to put yourself first. God hand picked this wonderful person to help me, and she's been exactly what I needed. She know's when to push and when to let it go, she's kind and she truly hears me. If you are struggling right now, please get yourself an appointment to talk to someone, it's 100% worth it, You are worth it, your health and well being is worth it. Don't believe all the things people say about talking to someone being stupid, because that's the farthest thing from the truth I've ever heard. I know from personal experience how much it helps you. Don't listen to the haters, do what you need to do to be healthy.
This is what I struggle with, my mind is sick and I have a hard time thinking normally, processing, thinking. Everywhere I go, including visiting with Family, my mind is racing a million miles an hour, wondering what people are thinking about me, what their not saying, what I said to offend, what I didn't say that I should have. Then there's the other side of it, the moment someone says something hurtful or purposefully disagreeing with me, or tensions are happening around me or there's a disagreement my body starts to panic and my heart starts to race and I have to escape to another room before a panic attack starts. My heart is racing just typing this. That is what happens when you have anxiety, one you have a trigger, you can't go back to the same location with out triggers happening again and you can't go back without knowing you have over a 50% chance of another panic attack. It's absolutely terrifying and debilitating.
I've gone through my life judged for who I am, the fact that I'm dyslexic and can't read a clock on a wall, or can't do a math problem to this day without help, I still have to ask my husband daily how to spell a simple word. I've always been "different" then everyone around me, I'm an extremely deep and feeling person, I feel pain of others, cry over what some people call "stupid things" My emotions are a lot of times out of control, I can go into a meltdown of full panic, tears or anger in a split second on any given day and it's not always because I'm angry. It's seriously insane what depression does to your mind. It's something I deal with on a daily basis, something I've been judged for, for many years. To this day it still drives people crazy that I'm so emotional, I just feel so much. I hate when people throw it in my face that it's because I don't "trust" God, I don't pray enough, It's spiritual warfare that I can get to stop if I just "command" it. Those are just a few of the things I've heard, all within the christian community. It makes me Sick.
There is a definite difference with a little anxiety and Depressive and Anxiety disorders. Don't you dare Preach at me with your answers that you know nothing about, don't sit back and talk to me about my faith in God when you have no idea what I've walked through, you don't live my life, not one day of it. Depression and anxiety disorders Need to be taken SERIOUSLY especially in the christian community. Pastors should be recommending Counselors, and they shouldn't "have" to be in a church or be a christian. I've seen both a Psychologist(s) and a Christian counselor and I can tell you my experience with my non-christian Psychologist has been far more welcoming, loving, and non-judgmental environment then the christian one was on the fist day it started. We shouldn't have to be scared in our churches, or around other Christians that they are standing there judging us, when they tell you "it's just anxiety, we all have that" I can't even tell you how wrong they are, it proves the entire point, that they haven't heard or care about anything you are saying.
I already know I'm a lot to handle, I live in my body, I deal with my emotions, I have to live with me. It's not anything I would ever with upon anyone, struggling so severely with this over the last five years has made me a different person. I' don't remember what it's like to feel happiness, much less to be" happy. I don't remember the joy of just being alive, a lot of my feeling to being happy has been cut off. All I know is deep sadness and heartbreak, all I know is wondering if it would just be easier if I wasn't here. I wake up with no energy, I don't do much cleaning, I lay and watch tv, I have a hard time cleaning and doing chores, I'm not eating much. I started making the bed yesterday for the first time in a month. I feel like a burden to everyone I know, especially my husband and my family. I don't love myself, I don't think I ever have. I can't stand who I am and every time I cry, I inwardly yell at myself to stop. THAT IS SO MESSED UP. (I would never say that to my child, so I should do it to myself?)
Depression steals everything from you, including your hope, my relationship with God has been hanging on by a thread, I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take, this infertility has drained the life and happiness out of me and I'm forever changed because of it. I don't know how to keep going some days, how to just live life or be the wife Chris needs. Please don't mistake me saying I will take my life THAT IS SOMETHING I'LL NEVER DO. I just feel helpless and completely stuck where I am. My weight has gone up and down with my depression the last five years, It's absolutely angering to me, It's not for lack of trying to be healthy, and change my lifestyle, cutting things out, and not stocking things in my house because they are so tempting. It's not for lack of trying different things, eating less fat or carbs, it's not for lack of workouts, or putting in hard work. This has been a FIVE year battle, and it's mostly stayed because of my depression, your body holds unto fat when your stressed or your body is going through something and it knows to hold it.
Depression and Anxiety suck so much, I don't wish it upon anyone. Seeing a Psychologist the last month has been more helpful then anything I've tried in years, talking and pouring my heart out to someone who listens and validates what I've been and what I'm going through has truly meant everything to me. Not having someone trying to "fix" everything and working at my pace, for what I need, learning to take care of me and learning that it's NOT selfish to put yourself first. God hand picked this wonderful person to help me, and she's been exactly what I needed. She know's when to push and when to let it go, she's kind and she truly hears me. If you are struggling right now, please get yourself an appointment to talk to someone, it's 100% worth it, You are worth it, your health and well being is worth it. Don't believe all the things people say about talking to someone being stupid, because that's the farthest thing from the truth I've ever heard. I know from personal experience how much it helps you. Don't listen to the haters, do what you need to do to be healthy.
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