I never Imagined this would be my life..
It's November 8th already, I've been twenty nine for a whole week today. This is never how I imagined my life to be, when I sit and think about my dreams, lets be real (I sit and think way too much) I don't imagine being married almost seven years with no children in my life, I didn't imagine this heartbreak from the last six years, including losing our angel baby. I never imagined we'd spend almost our entire marriage trying for a baby year after year with no answers and more heartbreak then I've ever felt or sitting with an empty womb. I never imagined watching my friends have three or more children while I'm over here just trying to have one.
I didn't ever think about watching my nieces and nephews grow up without my children playing with them. I always thought my sisters and I would have kids around the same time and get to raise them together. I never imagined I'd have any issues getting pregnant. My mother had eleven children for goodness sake, and my sisters have five between them. This wasn't supposed to be my story, this wasn't supposed to happen and I wasn't supposed to sit here empty handed just aching to hear the words "mom" from my biological child. It hurts to talk about, but I can't stop, I ache so badly to be pregnant, to feel my baby grow, to birth my child naturally and have my dream water-birth.
I walk around Target, I see baby's in strollers and mama's pushing kids in their karts. I see them in the kids sections at the store and my body and heart ache all at once. I can't tell you how many times I've walked to the kids and baby sections, I stop and touch the clothing, I dream of dressing my baby up in these beautiful outfits. I imagine what they'd look like and sadly those clothes are my favorite thing in the store, the one place I truly don't "belong" in. The one place I still don't have a reason to go and it hurts. It's just not fair, I just have a hard time understanding why God is allowing me to walk this horribly painful road, knowing how much I long, pray and beg Him to be a Mother. To give my Husband children and fill the longing in his aching heart.
What do you do when you have no answers? When you're breaking. When you don't know if anything will ever come of all your work, your effort and perfect timing. Do you keep dreaming? Do you keep hoping? To the sliver of hope that you may (one day) get pregnant naturally? Do you finally accept you many never get pregnant again?Or do you move on to officially only trying Medically with interventions from here on out? Five and a Half years is a very long time to try for a baby without intervention. Tracking perfectly with nothing to show for it. Unexplained Infertility is absolutely brutal, it steals your hope and your identity, it changes you as a person and a human.
When do you stop trying naturally and realize nothing is going to happen? When do you give up the only dream you've ever had or ever wanted and realized your body just can't get pregnant on it's own? Do you give up or give in? Or are you ok still trying knowing most likely nothing will ever come of your dreams, not that you'll never have kids, (but you'll never have them naturally) When do you accept that your body may just be "broken" and you need intervention and that, that's ok. When do you move on? I'm struggling with this so much lately. Trying naturally for so long with the exception of one IUI last Summer (that failed miserably) I'm warn out, I'm exhausted with the time and energy that goes into trying for a child. I've been on a break the last four months, which helped amazingly, but It doesn't take away the circumstances of our disease.
I'm still learning what it is to take it one day at a time, I'm learning to give myself grace and trying to forgive myself for my body not working right. I feel like such a huge failure, watching everyone around me, friends and family become mothers when it's the only thing I've ever wanted and feeling so strongly like somethings wrong with my, my body. Getting pregnant is normal, giving birth is normal. So why then won't my body get the memo? Why won't it work or listen and just get pregnant already? Those are the burning questions in my mind on a daily basis, I wake up every single day wondering If I'll ever be able to get pregnant on my own, much less will I ever get pregnant again? and If I do will my body keep the baby?
I've taken literally at 1000s of pregnancy tests over five years time to just see one line. I'm heartbroken. I'm sick of being broken. I want to be whole and healed. I've prayed for five years, begged God to heal me and my husband but it's just silence. I'm trying to cling to the Hope I have left, but it doesn't feel like much lately. Two more pregnancy announcements lately from people I know had me all but sobbing on the floor wondering what is my life? Why is this my story and why the Hell won't the pain just stop? I know God is here, I believe he's with me, I know he cry's with me, and He holds me when I'm sad, I know there's a purpose to this pain but it's so hard not knowing the reason for it. I'm just taking this hard journey day by day, it's all I can do.
I didn't ever think about watching my nieces and nephews grow up without my children playing with them. I always thought my sisters and I would have kids around the same time and get to raise them together. I never imagined I'd have any issues getting pregnant. My mother had eleven children for goodness sake, and my sisters have five between them. This wasn't supposed to be my story, this wasn't supposed to happen and I wasn't supposed to sit here empty handed just aching to hear the words "mom" from my biological child. It hurts to talk about, but I can't stop, I ache so badly to be pregnant, to feel my baby grow, to birth my child naturally and have my dream water-birth.
I walk around Target, I see baby's in strollers and mama's pushing kids in their karts. I see them in the kids sections at the store and my body and heart ache all at once. I can't tell you how many times I've walked to the kids and baby sections, I stop and touch the clothing, I dream of dressing my baby up in these beautiful outfits. I imagine what they'd look like and sadly those clothes are my favorite thing in the store, the one place I truly don't "belong" in. The one place I still don't have a reason to go and it hurts. It's just not fair, I just have a hard time understanding why God is allowing me to walk this horribly painful road, knowing how much I long, pray and beg Him to be a Mother. To give my Husband children and fill the longing in his aching heart.
What do you do when you have no answers? When you're breaking. When you don't know if anything will ever come of all your work, your effort and perfect timing. Do you keep dreaming? Do you keep hoping? To the sliver of hope that you may (one day) get pregnant naturally? Do you finally accept you many never get pregnant again?Or do you move on to officially only trying Medically with interventions from here on out? Five and a Half years is a very long time to try for a baby without intervention. Tracking perfectly with nothing to show for it. Unexplained Infertility is absolutely brutal, it steals your hope and your identity, it changes you as a person and a human.
When do you stop trying naturally and realize nothing is going to happen? When do you give up the only dream you've ever had or ever wanted and realized your body just can't get pregnant on it's own? Do you give up or give in? Or are you ok still trying knowing most likely nothing will ever come of your dreams, not that you'll never have kids, (but you'll never have them naturally) When do you accept that your body may just be "broken" and you need intervention and that, that's ok. When do you move on? I'm struggling with this so much lately. Trying naturally for so long with the exception of one IUI last Summer (that failed miserably) I'm warn out, I'm exhausted with the time and energy that goes into trying for a child. I've been on a break the last four months, which helped amazingly, but It doesn't take away the circumstances of our disease.
I'm still learning what it is to take it one day at a time, I'm learning to give myself grace and trying to forgive myself for my body not working right. I feel like such a huge failure, watching everyone around me, friends and family become mothers when it's the only thing I've ever wanted and feeling so strongly like somethings wrong with my, my body. Getting pregnant is normal, giving birth is normal. So why then won't my body get the memo? Why won't it work or listen and just get pregnant already? Those are the burning questions in my mind on a daily basis, I wake up every single day wondering If I'll ever be able to get pregnant on my own, much less will I ever get pregnant again? and If I do will my body keep the baby?
I've taken literally at 1000s of pregnancy tests over five years time to just see one line. I'm heartbroken. I'm sick of being broken. I want to be whole and healed. I've prayed for five years, begged God to heal me and my husband but it's just silence. I'm trying to cling to the Hope I have left, but it doesn't feel like much lately. Two more pregnancy announcements lately from people I know had me all but sobbing on the floor wondering what is my life? Why is this my story and why the Hell won't the pain just stop? I know God is here, I believe he's with me, I know he cry's with me, and He holds me when I'm sad, I know there's a purpose to this pain but it's so hard not knowing the reason for it. I'm just taking this hard journey day by day, it's all I can do.
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