Walking Through The Storms Of Life

I'm ever thankful for this man. Today was a roller coaster, I had a huge emotional breakdown this morning and sobbed for half an hour on his chest. He held me tightly and told me everything would be ok. I so long to believe him, it's incredibly hard to hold unto hope lately. I rarely feel like myself, I'm just a shell of the woman I used to be, I don't recognize myself lately, (mentally). Depression changes you, your brain/functioning is so different, it makes it so hard to d o every day things. I was diagnosed with "agoraphobia" (  https://www.mayoclinic.org/…/a…/symptoms-causes/syc-20355987  ) It's a real disorder that makes doing anything outside the house difficult. We spent the entire day together, laughed, snuggled, talked, went to the coffee shop and dreamed of future house projects. I needed today more then anything, I needed his arms around me and the hope he whispered in my ear. I love him so much it hurts. He's my rock, especially with my de...

I was hoping I wouldn't ever make this choice. The realization about how real this is, what it means, how it will feel and how much it will take is terrifying . Christopher and I have decided to pursue IVF ( In Vitro Fertilization ) Next Summer. This is a huge step for us, it's scary, emotional, expensive , draining and there's no promise for a baby at the end of it. It's been over five years of trying , testing , tracking , timing ,  sobbing, begging God , and praying . This is just where we are now and the realization that this truly may be our only chance at a biological child is a very real thing. We've been talking about IVF for the last year, I had an idea a year ago how this may be the only way for us, and Chris needed a while to get used to the Idea but he's been s upportive of the idea since we talked about it a year ago. Five years  is a very long time, 1,825 days to be exact, it's been so draining as a human, Infertility ...

How do you explain something you don't understand yourself? How do you do you come to grips with something you've lost in a split second? How do you cope with pain, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual and come out the other side thankful for the thing that tore you in two? How do you get over the shock of being pregnant one minute and losing the one thing you've prayed for most in the world the next? How do you make people understand that it's OK to grieve, to be sad, a ngry and upset with God? How am I back here again, to the physical pain I prayed I'd never feel again and to another angel lost to heaven? How did I get here? Why does this hurt so much? Why is it so much easier putting on a face and pretending like nothing happened? If I move on maybe I won't have to feel this pain anymore.             I've been here before, I know the pain, depression, weight gain, sleepless nights, whys, misunderstandings. I know how to pretend everything...

It's November 8th already, I've been twenty nine for a whole week today. This is never how I imagined my life to be, when I sit and think about my dreams, lets be real (I sit and think way too much) I don't imagine being married almost seven years with no children in my life, I didn't imagine this heartbreak from the last six years, including losing our angel baby. I never imagined we'd spend almost our entire marriage trying for a baby year after year with no answers and more heartbreak then I've ever felt or sitting with an empty womb. I never imagined watching my friends have three or more children while I'm over here just trying to have one. I didn't ever think about watching my nieces and nephews grow up without my children playing with them. I always thought my sisters and I would have kids around the same time and get to raise them together. I never imagined I'd have any issues getting pregnant. My mother had eleven children for goodness sak...