Sweet Baby, your my Broken hallelujah

November is always so tough for me, the end of this month marks Five long years since our Angel baby passed away. When you go through joy to having a life ripped from you it's almost impossible to get over.  For me, after I miscarried I blocked it out from my memory I so called "moved on" with my life and went on living until one day (two years later) it all hit me in the biggest way and I sobbed for weeks,  for what could have been, for the pain, for the two years I "lost" and for my baby's future I'd never get to experience. It's a difficult thing losing a child, No parent should ever have to go through that and sadly it's incredibly common. It's not something you never get over or move on from, that child is always in your heart and you never stop thinking of them about dreaming who they would be. 

             

        Would they be a boy or a girl? Would they have brown hair like mommy or sandy blonde like daddy? What color eyes would they have? Daddy's are brown and mommy's are green. What would be their first word? Where would they take their first step? What color would their room be and what was the theme? Did they love the camera like their Mom or do they like video games like their Dad? Do they know how much we love them? Do they know how much we wanted to be their parents? Do they know the longing we have to see their face and hear the words "Mommy" and "Daddy"? Do they know I want to know who they are? 

      

 Do they know it's because of them that we want to be a parents so badly? Because we fell in love in an instant and when they were gone our sorrow tore us apart. Do they know their the reason their Daddy and I have such a good marriage? That we have broken together and healed together? Do they know how much we want to give them a sibling? Sweet baby of mine, I wouldn't be who I am without you, I wouldn't have broken and healed and broken again without your huge presence in my life and my greatest absence. These five long years of trying to give you a baby sister or brother have been the hardest in my entire life, but it's all because of the love I felt for you if only for an instant. Do you know how very much your loved? Do you know how much I wanted you? Do you know I dream of you, Of who you'd be? 

       Sweet baby, this is what I imagine you'd be at five.  You'd have so much excitement for life, you love Grandpa and Grandma with all of your heart and you're spoiled by your 10 aunts and uncles. It's almost your 5th Birthday and your no longer the newborn I've seen all these years in my mind. You've been walking for years, you're learning Abc's and numbers, Your started Home school with Mommy this year and your so excited to learn, your eyes light up when I teach you new things. You love bedtime because it means new stories with Mom and Daddy. Grandpa used to tell mommy and your aunties and uncles stories before bed, and now Mommy does the same and it's your favorite part of bedtime. You love when daddy teaches devotions, when he reads from the Bible and you learn about Jesus. 

        

   You love playing with your toys and your the perfect little model for mommy's camera. Daddy loves to show you how important Family is and that they always come first, about the importance of them in your life, even when your don't agree or like what they say. Sweet baby, You will always be my baby, every year you get older I will remember you in my tummy and everything you meant to me even in that short amount of time. I wish I could throw you a 5th Birthday party this year, I wish you could celebrate with your family and friends. My sweet one, maybe it's selfish of me to want to give you everything, maybe it's not as a big a deal as I'm making it. Maybe I'm just being silly, but 5 years is a long time little one, 1825 Days without you. 

     This time of year brings me so much heartache, I ache to be with you, hold you. I wish we could set up the Christmas tree together. Did you know little one, how much Mommy and Daddy love Christmas? It's our favorite time of the year. How I wish we could be sharing that with you. Five years feels like a lifetime. I just can't believe your almost five, you grew up so fast we didn't even get to see it. I know Jesus had a plan by taking you so early, I know you know why He did it and I know your so much happier in heaven. I need to be able to be selfish about this, I need to be able to dream you up and what could have been. I know you love me from where you are and you"re happy and healthy and you get to Celebrate your Birthday in heaven. Please remember I will be celebrating your Birthday here, with Daddy because you'll always be with us in mind and spirit even if your not here in body. 

     I love you, I hope you have the Happiest Birthday without us, it's always bittersweet without you but we always celebrate because baby, your worth it, your our Gift from God in the hardest part of my life, God gave me YOU.