Walking Through The Storms Of Life

I'm ever thankful for this man. Today was a roller coaster, I had a huge emotional breakdown this morning and sobbed for half an hour on his chest. He held me tightly and told me everything would be ok. I so long to believe him, it's incredibly hard to hold unto hope lately. I rarely feel like myself, I'm just a shell of the woman I used to be, I don't recognize myself lately, (mentally). Depression changes you, your brain/functioning is so different, it makes it so hard to d o every day things. I was diagnosed with "agoraphobia" (  https://www.mayoclinic.org/…/a…/symptoms-causes/syc-20355987  ) It's a real disorder that makes doing anything outside the house difficult. We spent the entire day together, laughed, snuggled, talked, went to the coffee shop and dreamed of future house projects. I needed today more then anything, I needed his arms around me and the hope he whispered in my ear. I love him so much it hurts. He's my rock, especially with my de

I was hoping I wouldn't ever make this choice. The realization about how real this is, what it means, how it will feel and how much it will take is terrifying . Christopher and I have decided to pursue IVF ( In Vitro Fertilization ) Next Summer. This is a huge step for us, it's scary, emotional, expensive , draining and there's no promise for a baby at the end of it. It's been over five years of trying , testing , tracking , timing ,  sobbing, begging God , and praying . This is just where we are now and the realization that this truly may be our only chance at a biological child is a very real thing. We've been talking about IVF for the last year, I had an idea a year ago how this may be the only way for us, and Chris needed a while to get used to the Idea but he's been s upportive of the idea since we talked about it a year ago. Five years  is a very long time, 1,825 days to be exact, it's been so draining as a human, Infertility

I can't believe we had our Seventh Wedding Anniversary on the 12th, where on earth has the time gone? Some days felt like years, and some days were gone in the blink of an eye. This last year has been the toughest one on me, and because of that it's been tough on Christopher. I'm struggling with Major depressive disorder, and Social anxiety disorder which has been a massive struggle over the last five years, but 2017 was the hardest year yet. I've never felt so out of control of my body. I'm so thankful for Chris, he's been there every step, talking, listening, holding me, letting me process. He's had my back, and walked with me through my darkest year. The last seven years of marriage have had more lows then highs, but the highs have been incredibly beautiful, wonderful, and happy. We've worked hard this last year and currently still are, about spending intentional time together, investing time in each other, even when you don't feel like it. It&#

Lets talk about depression. It's such a taboo subject (sadly) especially within the Christian community. People have a wide range of what they think depression is, or does, or doesn't do, they judge you for who you are, how you act, or that you tend to "overreact" on simple everyday things. Most everyone has an opinion, and supposedly it's their right as a human to do so. In all cases I have dealt with, the person judging, or "fixing" has never experienced actual depression diagnosed by a Doctor or Psychologist. I find it beyond frustrating when people say, I struggle with anxiety, speaking in crowds, I don't like being around people, It's the "same" thing as you. I just want to scream at them, I agree most people in the world have experienced a form or depression and anxiety, but that's One hundred percent NOT the same as having been diagnosed with real, actual disorders that effect how you live your life, what you do, who you hang

How do you explain something you don't understand yourself? How do you do you come to grips with something you've lost in a split second? How do you cope with pain, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual and come out the other side thankful for the thing that tore you in two? How do you get over the shock of being pregnant one minute and losing the one thing you've prayed for most in the world the next? How do you make people understand that it's OK to grieve, to be sad, a ngry and upset with God? How am I back here again, to the physical pain I prayed I'd never feel again and to another angel lost to heaven? How did I get here? Why does this hurt so much? Why is it so much easier putting on a face and pretending like nothing happened? If I move on maybe I won't have to feel this pain anymore.             I've been here before, I know the pain, depression, weight gain, sleepless nights, whys, misunderstandings. I know how to pretend everything is OK

     I can't believe how quickly Christmas has come this year, I feel like yesterday was October first. Christmas is only three days away and I just can't believe I'm back here again. I love Christmas, ever since I was little It's been my favorite "holiday". We have so many family traditions, and so many events we normally do together as Family, like puzzles, Christmas cookies, sledding, wrapping gifts on Christmas eve (whomever needs last minute help) and so much more.      Christmas day is my favorite, we get up early, and get our stockings, we have homemade cinnamon rolls and treats, then we get to the living room and read the Christmas story from the Bible, my parents have always been very clear that Jesus is the center and Santa never existed, we learned all about St. Nickolas and the incredible giving man that he was who "Santa is inspired from" or used to be, sadly Christmas these days is all about who can buy the most expensive gifts. After

November is always so tough for me, the end of this month marks Five long years since our Angel baby passed away. When you go through joy to having a life ripped from you it's almost impossible to get over.  For me, after I miscarried I blocked it out from my memory I so called "moved on" with my life and went on living until one day (two years later) it all hit me in the biggest way and I sobbed for weeks,  for what could have been, for the pain, for the two years I "lost" and for my baby's future I'd never get to experience. It's a difficult thing losing a child, No parent should ever have to go through that and sadly it's incredibly common. It's not something you never get over or move on from, that child is always in your heart and you never stop thinking of them about dreaming who they would be.                        Would they be a boy or a girl? Would they have brown hair like mommy or sandy blonde like daddy? What color eyes woul