Walking Through The Storms Of Life

How do you explain something you don't understand yourself? How do you do you come to grips with something you've lost in a split second? How do you cope with pain, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual and come out the other side thankful for the thing that tore you in two? How do you get over the shock of being pregnant one minute and losing the one thing you've prayed for most in the world the next? How do you make people understand that it's OK to grieve, to be sad, a ngry and upset with God? How am I back here again, to the physical pain I prayed I'd never feel again and to another angel lost to heaven? How did I get here? Why does this hurt so much? Why is it so much easier putting on a face and pretending like nothing happened? If I move on maybe I won't have to feel this pain anymore.             I've been here before, I know the pain, depression, weight gain, sleepless nights, whys, misunderstandings. I know how to pretend everything...

     I can't believe how quickly Christmas has come this year, I feel like yesterday was October first. Christmas is only three days away and I just can't believe I'm back here again. I love Christmas, ever since I was little It's been my favorite "holiday". We have so many family traditions, and so many events we normally do together as Family, like puzzles, Christmas cookies, sledding, wrapping gifts on Christmas eve (whomever needs last minute help) and so much more.      Christmas day is my favorite, we get up early, and get our stockings, we have homemade cinnamon rolls and treats, then we get to the living room and read the Christmas story from the Bible, my parents have always been very clear that Jesus is the center and Santa never existed, we learned all about St. Nickolas and the incredible giving man that he was who "Santa is inspired from" or used to be, sadly Christmas these days is all about who can buy the most expensive gifts. After...

November is always so tough for me, the end of this month marks Five long years since our Angel baby passed away. When you go through joy to having a life ripped from you it's almost impossible to get over.  For me, after I miscarried I blocked it out from my memory I so called "moved on" with my life and went on living until one day (two years later) it all hit me in the biggest way and I sobbed for weeks,  for what could have been, for the pain, for the two years I "lost" and for my baby's future I'd never get to experience. It's a difficult thing losing a child, No parent should ever have to go through that and sadly it's incredibly common. It's not something you never get over or move on from, that child is always in your heart and you never stop thinking of them about dreaming who they would be.                        Would they be a boy or a girl? Would they have brown hair like mommy or sandy blon...

It's November 8th already, I've been twenty nine for a whole week today. This is never how I imagined my life to be, when I sit and think about my dreams, lets be real (I sit and think way too much) I don't imagine being married almost seven years with no children in my life, I didn't imagine this heartbreak from the last six years, including losing our angel baby. I never imagined we'd spend almost our entire marriage trying for a baby year after year with no answers and more heartbreak then I've ever felt or sitting with an empty womb. I never imagined watching my friends have three or more children while I'm over here just trying to have one. I didn't ever think about watching my nieces and nephews grow up without my children playing with them. I always thought my sisters and I would have kids around the same time and get to raise them together. I never imagined I'd have any issues getting pregnant. My mother had eleven children for goodness sak...

I've decided to make a new blog, a new place where I can be honest about Infertility, Depression, Anxiety and the struggles I deal with on a daily basis. As well as the happy things in life, my Marriage, my Dog, Daily inspiration and Hope. I look forward to starting a new Chapter with a new blog, a new place to make my own and where I can feel safe to be honest. Tomorrow I turn 29 years old and I just can't believe it. The last 8 years have gone by in the blink of an eye, Thanksgiving is around the corner and Christmas in only two months away. My 7th Wedding Anniversary is on February 12th and my beautiful Dog is somehow already 5 and 1/2 years old.  I can't figure out where the last eight years have gone, my last years in my 20s.  The hardest part of these last seven years of marriage has been losing a child (5th anniversary of our miscarriage in the end of November) and dealing with Infertility for the last 5 and a half years. What's crazy is we should have five ...